Bye bye Tim Stüttgen

Bye bye Tim Stüttgen

On Sunday I woke up very early as the birds were singing loud and I was freezing cold. I closed my window and looked for an extra blanket. I had been dreaming of a sad man I did not know. He was ill, with lost gaze, his soul gone. It was a horrible nightmare.

Later in the day I got the news. The birds were singing goodbye to him and the cold was the cold of death. My very good and dearest friend Tim had died. He was one of the most intelligent people I have ever met. He was a true genius.

You sent me an email on Saturday evening. You did not leave me time to answer. How are you Maria? I am fine Tim, I am 17 weeks pregnant and back in my house by the beach, we were here together some years ago, remember? You can come here if you wish to have a break, of course. I am so sad that you are not feeling very good at the moment and I am so sad that you decided to leave already.

I loved meeting you.

I went to the sea and by looking at the waves I calmed down. I felt that you were not gone, that nothing is ever over, because the waves come back all over again. I do not know very well what I felt, but it was reassuring. I hope you found the peace you were looking for and that we meet again soon.

Please look after my baby in the meantime. When we saw each other last time in Berlin I was one week pregnant and I did not know. It was great having dinner with you. Thanks for coming to my presentation on subversive maternities. I love you Tim and I will always do. Bye bye my dear friend.

25 Comments
  • Del LaGrace Volcano
    Posted at 07:08h, 13 mayo

    I know a bit about how close you and Tim were/are Maria and although we only met in the flesh a few times we had quite a lot of online contact throughout the years. I am saddened that so many, too many queerly fabulous friends have made the choice to walk away from life. I wonder how or what I/we could have done to make the unbearable bearable. As one life ends I learn that another one has begun and feel joy, for you, for us.

    • Maria Llopis
      Posted at 07:28h, 13 mayo

      Dear Del, thanks for your words and for your kind feelings.

      I did love Tim and he appreciated you both personally and professionally very much, which in our world is very tied together, isn´t it?

      Thanks for your words on the new life coming. I attended your lecture at the Tate just a week after I met Tim in Berlin, so I was already pregnant by then. You are an inspiration in queer maternity/paternity to me.

      To our queerly fabulous friends, the gone and the coming ones, love always.

  • V.
    Posted at 07:53h, 13 mayo

    hey, Maria. Met Tim thru you. And we are thinking of you since yesterday. Images with both of you, nice images. Time to remember things, and wave good bye. It is a cold day. We hug you – deeply. Virginie, Beatriz.

    • Maria Llopis
      Posted at 08:13h, 13 mayo

      Those images are also in my mind. I send my love to you Virginie and Beatriz. Thanks.

  • Carmen
    Posted at 07:54h, 13 mayo

    This is so sad, honey. For Tim, for you, for all of us. For not being able to cope with this terrible world . . . and still this is the only world we know. As Del LaGrace says, I also believe that one extinguished life brings a new one. When my son was born, a dearest friend died. Somehow, there must be a balance. May Tim’s good energy pass onto your baby.

    • Maria Llopis
      Posted at 08:12h, 13 mayo

      Thanks Carmen, I would have loved them to meet, my baby and him. Perhaps they have already or they will soon.

  • lucía
    Posted at 08:39h, 13 mayo

    ay maría, esto es muy triste y muy sorpresivo. te mando un abrazo grande grande y besos suaves en el centro de tu ombligo

    • Maria Llopis
      Posted at 18:08h, 13 mayo

      gracias Lucia por tus besos y tu cariño

  • idm
    Posted at 10:31h, 13 mayo

    maria lo sentimos un abrazo
    ideadestroyingmuros

  • Alberto Pérez Pérez-Duque
    Posted at 10:54h, 13 mayo

    Querría decir algo con sentido y profundo y sólo estoy triste y muy enfadado contra nada en particular.

    • Maria Llopis
      Posted at 18:08h, 13 mayo

      yo también estoy triste, enfadada estaba antes y se me ha pasado de golpe

  • Elliat Graney-Saucke
    Posted at 12:02h, 13 mayo

    For those who live in Berlin, there are vigils being held at his apartment every day this week until Friday/Saturday starting at 5pm – good to bring food/drinks or anything else you want. Lots of love, Elliat

    • Maria Llopis
      Posted at 18:09h, 13 mayo

      Thanks Elliat,
      my heart is there everyday from 5pm.

  • shulea
    Posted at 18:06h, 13 mayo

    dear maria
    very very sad to hear about tim’s death. I did see him at transmediale this last february where he made a presentation and talked about his new book… i did sense a bit of sadness in him…. and you… with a baby coming up… take care.

    • Maria Llopis
      Posted at 18:14h, 13 mayo

      When I saw him in January I also sensed this sadness, now of course I wish I had done something, then, on Saturday, at some point. But we have to fully respect life and death. He left because he had to go somewhere else, I tried to think it this way.

      Hope we can meet soon, it´s been too long.
      Sending you lots of love.

  • liad
    Posted at 21:50h, 13 mayo

    thank you for your wise and wonderful words. tim loved you very much.

    • Maria Llopis
      Posted at 16:24h, 23 mayo

      I loved him very much too my dear Liad
      you are very sweet

  • Diana
    Posted at 14:12h, 14 mayo

    yo aún no tengo palabras, pasar por esta experiencia de nuevo me está moviendo muchas cosas, muchas heridas se abren de nuevo.
    sólo puedo pensar en su cara y esa sonrisa.
    http://pornoterrorismo.com/2013/05/14/buen-viaje-miss-mei-monigatti/

    A las que quedamos vivas y tristes, a todas, os envío mi amor.
    <3
    Diana

    • Maria Llopis
      Posted at 15:01h, 14 mayo

      qué foto maravillosa!!!

  • Hank
    Posted at 15:40h, 14 mayo

    Thank you for your words, Maria. I was touched by your very beautiful writing.

    • Maria Llopis
      Posted at 16:24h, 23 mayo

      hi Hank
      thanks to you
      it was lovely sharing this beautiful time together with you and Tim in Vienna

  • klau
    Posted at 04:19h, 19 mayo

    hasta que no llegé a tu blog ayer no me habia enterado, me quedé helada maría.
    de manera bastante naif vi fotos de tim en otros blogs y pensé que se iba de viaje a un lugar lejano y exótico ¿donde irá the lovely filthy timy? pensé en mi parra, fuera y distante de la órbita de redes sociales o de cualquier comunicación inmediata.
    hoy, menos congelada te agradezco y abrazo.
    a una galaxía paralela se ha ido, como un gran rayo de neón, purpurina y tinta.
    Esto me hace pensar en él: “Light is the voice of the stars.” ’(Anon 1880)
    cariño.

    • Maria Llopis
      Posted at 16:23h, 23 mayo

      mucho cariño para ti también Klau preciosa

  • Monika Stüttgen
    Posted at 20:21h, 18 octubre

    Liebe Maria, ich bin die Mutter von Tim und habe schon früh deine Worte gelesen, aber war so in Trauer und verwirrt, dass ich keine Worte fand. Ich habe von Tim immer wieder von dir gehört als einer lieben, treuen, begabten Freundin, zu der er gehen konnte, wenn seine Seele leer war. Danke, dass du für ihn da warst. Leider ist mein Englisch minimal, und mein Spanisch nicht vorhanden. Ich hoffe, du kannst meine Worte trotzdem verstehen. Alles Gute für dich und dein Baby – Monika Stüttgen

    • Maria Llopis
      Posted at 21:13h, 18 octubre

      Dear Monika,
      I am very sorry for your loss. I just gave birth to a baby boy and I can not imagine a greater sorrow than not having him by my side.
      Thanks for your sweet words. My heart is with you. Please contact me if you need anything, I am here, always.
      Love,
      Maria